stuff

So I've been posting more about my personal life lately because this is a big part of my life here too. I recently ended a 2 month "relationship" here with the Brazilian guy- I could call him Mr. Big like in Sex in the City... it would be fitting. He's 36, a med student here in BA, he's a big, tall guy and has a fantastic body. He is funny, interesting and was a total sweetie in the beginning.


I use the term relationship loosely because while we did have a great connection and spent some quality time together here and there, we never really went out together and we saw each other very infrequently. He was upfront with me and told me he did not want a girlfriend and didn't have time to see me more than once a week because of school. I tried to go with the casual thing, and I knew it wasn't going to work for me, but I didn't want to cut him off quite so soon. As I got to know him better, I began to see he has a lot of flaws, is fairly immature for a 36 year old man, has his own issues, and most importantly-- the sweetness level definitely took a nose dive. Why would I even want to be with someone if they are not really being sweet to me? Basic manners are a must and if someone does not even say "thank you" when you do something nice for them, this is a big problem. Not cool.


Unfortunately, like I've done oh so many, many times, I got caught up in the fantasy that he was so great based on the things I saw right away- appearance, good credentials, inital sweetness and a good personality-- without really knowing by letting time pass, seeing how things were going, how he was treating me and getting to know him first. Even after I found out he still had four more years to go in school, which is pretty much a deal breaker for me, I found myself caught up in the, what if? maybe there's potential here. It's hard to not want to believe that something has potential when you are really attracted to someone and really like someone and they appear to be so great... but as it has happened many times, as time goes by and you get to know someone better-- the fantasies fade away very quickly. You start to see someone for who they really are, and when they are not treating you the way you know you should be treated, then it's def time to cut the cord.


I know that I am a smart, fun and beautiful girl with a lot to offer and I know I deserve a great guy! So I didn't let this go too long, but I probably shouldn't have even let it go past the point when he told me he didn't want a committment. I really don't like sex without a committment and I really shouldn't do it. If a guy doesn't even see or think that I'm worth the effort of a committment, then I shouldn't even get involved. Easier said than done.


I realize that I want so much more than most guys are willing to give- primarily, a committment. I want something real and something that is going to move forward. And yes, I realize that I put way too much pressure on the beginnings of a relationship. But it's really hard not to. I am trying... I just need to learn to be patient (seriously this is like my achilles heel! how do you learn that?? how do your re-program yourself?? this is monumental change here) and really focus getting to know someone first before getting too excited and thinking they are so great and getting attached to them. Very hard to do. I think I need to pray for help with this.


And it's really, really hard for me to train myself to get past the exterior and focus on the quality of the person. I feel like there is an inverse relationship with looks and quality. If a guy is really good looking, then he doesn't have to be as nice since he attracts a lot of girls just based on his looks. If a guy is not so good looking, then he usually is a nice guy and has a great personality- those things will help him attract women since he's not as physically attractive. While there are really good looking guys with a great personality that are also nice guys, oh yeah and very important- that are also single- they are few and far between. I really wish I could go for the nice guy. I just can't seem to be attracted to them if they are not good looking and I don't know how to re-write my chemical make-up so that I am. Any suggestions? Prob need to pray for help with this too.


Looking back, my 3 actual boyfriends were not the best looking guys, but I was really attracted to them at the time. I am not now. Not in any way... so over it! Guess the whole chemical thing of being infatuated or being in love helped me. Anyways, it's good to know that those relationships are dead, never to be re-visited - and for good reason- we were not meant to be and the relationship didn't function. So I guess I CAN go for the average looking nice guy- just doesn't happen too often.


So I have a couple of choices... the road of celibacy and try to fundamentally change my personality and these intrinsic bad habits I have, OR continue doing what I've been doing for so many years and keep getting the same crap results. I think it's time to focus on changing the bad habits... big challenge... can I do it?

Ok, chau for now...