the thing that eludes me

Ok so it's been over a month since I last wrote. In the mean time, I had my 34th birthday and I've definitely had my ups and downs here in BA as well.

Every year since I turned 31, I've had a little mini meltdown right around my birthday because I realize that I'm not getting any younger and I really thought I'd be married and have children by my early 30's. Well life doesn't always turn out the way you think it will, and if I knew that it was going to happen at say, 39, 36, or whatever age- please God, before 40- I could just stop worrying about it and freakin' enjoy my single years to the fullest!

Right now, I'd be happy just to have a boyfriend. I've been single for over a year now, and it's really getting old. Right now, it would be nice to know that there is someone out there who wants to be with me that I want to be with too- someoene to love me- I think I'm very loveable. Is that so much to ask for? Instead there is an empty void that I'm trying to fill with everything else I can. But I still just feel empty and for some other reasons too because I'm here in a foreign country. Marbelle keeps telling me to fill the void with God's love... is that really possible? My Mom is very religious, yet God doesn't seem to fill her need to be with someone. She still wants to be with a man. interesting case study... my Mom and me. so different yet so alike. scary.

I spent the last few years being extremely nested with a stable career, a house and a dog, surrounded by lots of friends and my family in Houston, TX - the city where both my parents are from. It doesn't get much more rooted than that. But somehow I still wasn't ready?!? and since it wasn't happening and there seemed to be this one last thing I wanted to do before settling down- to live abroad- I decided it was now or never. After 8 years of the same old in Houston, I felt like it was time for a change. A big one.

Let's see, being single has allowed me lots of personal growth- I kicked some bad habits --like a lifetime of nail biting-- and I've met almost all of my personal goals- some that took years to accomplish. But I feel like I've been stuck in the same life mode of singlehood for ever- like I'm stuck in limbo or something- I've basically been on my own since I left home for college. It gets old. Really, isn't 15 years of it being all about me a little selfish? My sister would concur- yeah Lilly, it's all about you and you are so selfish. Hey wait, I have Lola- that's a big responsibility, right? I keep thinking I'm ready and I've been ready, but when it comes down to it, I'm waiting for God to bring the right man into my life when the time is right. I'm trying to prepare myself in the meantime - being the best person I can be, being happy on my own... blah, blah, blah.

It's agony being a single woman in your 30's. Too much pressure- damn you biological clock! Damn you! Really, what can you do? You can't force it. That's not going to lead to anything good... Everyone seems to have a different opinion, but all I can think is that all I can do is try my best to be happy being single, enjoy the time I have now without the responsibilites of a relationship and kids, and focus on all the good in my life- friends, family, my dog Lola, a decent career, financial independence- let's not forget what living in Argentina reminds me of everyday- the important privilege that I am a US citizen! and the fact that I have everything in world going for me. WHY is that so hard??? Hmm, I think I just need to read that over and over again every day- get that engrained into my thinking.

Ok, chau for now...